


If I Forget You

by Ahaviel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (sort of), Alzheimer's Disease, Dark, Depression, Episode s12e11 Regarding Dean, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Memory Loss, Season/Series 12 Spoilers, There is no hope here, spoilers for Regarding Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 06:47:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9645005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ahaviel/pseuds/Ahaviel
Summary: What might have happened if Rowena hadn't been able to help Dean?This is a DARK fic. There is no hope here. You have been warned.





	

“Hello, Sam. I got here as quickly as I could. Is he in there?” Castiel nodded to the motel room they stood in front of, his face pinched in concern.

“Wait, Cas,” Sam said, holding his hand up. “He’s losing his memory. He doesn’t remember…much. Don’t get your expectations up.”

“How did this happen, Sam?”

“A witch, we think. Rowena can’t help. I don’t know…I mean, can you…?” Sam knew it was a long shot.

Castiel shook his head. “I have barely enough grace left. After Ishim… Anyway, I want to see him.”

Sighing, Sam unlocked the door and opened it. He closed it behind Cas, staying out in the parking lot and trying to get a handle on his emotions. Dean’s body was inside the room, but _Dean_ wasn’t really there anymore.

 

* * *

 

Castiel rushed to Dean’s side, crouching down next to the bed. “Dean. I would have come sooner if I could.”

Barely taking his eyes off the TV set, Dean shrugged. “I’m not in a rush. Are you in a rush?”

“Dean.” Castiel tried to convey everything he felt in that one word, that one name more dear to him than his own.

Slowly, Dean looked over, his green eyes glassy. “Who are you? Do I know you?”

“I’m Castiel. You…you call me Cas.”

“Cas,” Dean said, as if trying the name out. “Doesn’t sound familiar.”

“You called me brother,” Cas added, hoping to make some connection.

Dean stared into his eyes for long moments, until finally a spark of recognition lit them up. “A barn,” he said almost wistfully.

“Yes!” Cas said, not holding back his smile. “We met in a barn. I showed you my wings.”

Dean smiled then and it lit up the room, while Cas felt humbled by the man’s radiance. He reached out and took Dean’s hand in his own. “Dean, I should have told you this years ago. I should have told you when I returned from Purgatory. So many times, but it just…it never seemed to be the right time.”

“Told me what?”

Cas looked at their joined hands, then back into Dean’s eyes. “I love you, Dean. I have for years.”

Dean’s smile faltered. “Why?”

“You do deserve good things, Dean.”

“No…” Dean frowned. He seemed to be searching for something, maybe a memory. “I don’t know who you are. Why would you love me?”

“I’m Cas, remember? Castiel?”

Dean shook his head.

“I’m an angel.”

“Angels aren’t real,” Dean said, looking across the room. “Get out.”

Cas used what little grace he had to look into Dean’s mind, certain it was important enough to defy Dean’s wishes. What he saw was a growing blackness, killing brain cells from the inside out. Dean had maybe a day before he would lose the ability to speak, to swallow, to breathe.

The connection was broken as Dean ripped his hand away. “Get out!”

Despite every urge to stay, Cas rose from the bedside and stopped at the door, looking back one last time. One more time to remember those green eyes, the countless freckles, that brilliant smile, the lips he’d longed to kiss just once.

He found Sam sitting on the front end of the Impala. “He doesn’t have long,” Cas managed to say.

“I know. It’s like a sped-up Alzheimer’s.” He held up his phone. “I’ve been looking, searching… There’s nothing.” He swallowed visibly and met Cas’ gaze. “I’ve already lost him, haven’t I?”

Cas wanted to do anything to ease Sam’s pain, but he knew Sam valued honesty more. “Yes.”

 

Dean died the following morning. Castiel watched him sleep his last night, watched as Sam cried and shared memories and prayed to a God who had made his hands-off policy very clear and would never answer. He was given a hunter’s funeral. Sam tried to give a eulogy but couldn’t speak. Jody said some kind words. No one felt like drinking at the wake.

 

The one thing Cas was certain of was that Dean got a free pass to Heaven. Although Castiel was no longer welcome in Heaven, and would have been captured if he’d been caught, his time sharing his vessel with Lucifer had taught him a few tricks. He managed to bribe a few angels and gained access to Dean’s Heaven.

It was as he expected; Dean sat at the end of a long dock overlooking a lake, fishing. He came as close as he dared before announcing his presence.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean lifted his face, squinting in the mid-day sun, his smile as radiant as when he was alive. He covered his eyes with his hand, then scowled. “Who are you?”

“I’m Cas. Castiel. Don’t you remember?”

“Nope. I think you’ve got the wrong guy.”

“Dean…I—”

“Sorry, dude, but I’m not interested. Don’t know you, don’t want to know you. Now leave; you’re disturbing the fish.”

Castiel’s mouth worked but no words came out. He felt something tear inside him, as if his grace had split in two, never to be whole again. This was Dean’s Heaven; he couldn’t stay uninvited. And he was welcome nowhere else.

There was no point in going back to Earth. He would only remind Sam of his loss. He’d only stayed to be with Dean, to fight with him, to protect him. His mission was over. He no longer had a purpose. Dean had taught him about hope, about choice, about family, about love. Castiel now knew these things, had had a taste of their unrivaled sweetness, and their absence was like an unending hole that would devour him.

Silently, without struggle, he surrendered to it.


End file.
